The Weird Day My Inspiration Returned

I was headed to my first therapy appointment. Nervous and anxious, but also a little excited. Maybe soon I’ll figure myself out.

I wandered through this strange building, unchanged since the 1980s, with a weird silence that filled the walls and narrow hallways, which were dimly lit by fluorescent light.

I didn’t dare take the elevator, in a building as strange as this.

Only three floors up.

The stairs were fine.

The building smelled old. No one else was around.

The door was so nondescript I nearly missed it. Just a brown door against a brown wall.  I went inside.

Filled out paper work, then sat and waited.

The fluorescent lights continued to hum and flicker above me, but the tiny waiting room was otherwise silent. I was the only one in there. Through the walls I heard faint conversations.

This place is supposed to help people feel better, but the atmosphere does the opposite.

Except for me. I like strange places like this, that feel like an altered reality. My nervousness disappeared and I quickly wrote down my thoughts.

My inspiration was coming back.

After being missing for so long. This was a feeling I’d almost forgotten about.   Maybe its return had something to do with 200 mg of Zoloft I had just been increased to the day before.

I’ve always wanted to capture certain strange feelings, and atmospheres.  I can take the photographs, but have never been able to put it into words. Something is blocking it.

But maybe now the block is falling away.

I want to record my life, not just the good parts, but all the parts. I love sharing pictures, but I don’t just want to dump a bunch of pretty pictures on a page with generic predictable words.

I want to capture what that day was like.

I feel like I’m finally starting to wake up, after being away for a long time, and I am excited to see what happens next.

 

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The Dark Days Are Over

The dark clouds that seemed to swallow me up last fall have finally disappeared.

I quit the job that was making me unhappy and after a month of being jobless, I am finally back at my old job. Things have turned around here and have gotten a lot better than it was when I left.


 It’s funny how much a job can affect your life. 

 Finally I am back where I belong; the place I have been a part of since the very beginning. Being part of this start up company is a rough ride, but it’s what I am used to. I finally feel like my life is back together. This whole past year I felt, out of control..

 I regret leaving, but maybe I had to leave to realize that I belonged here.


Now I can get back to being my old self.

No Words Just Photos

Sometimes I get a feeling, like I want to write about something, but the words are just beyond my reach.


I have something that I want to say, a feeling that I want to express, a moment that I want to capture.


But the words won’t come out.

Maybe that’s why I take pictures.


As much as I love taking pictures of pretty flowers, and things that most people would consider “regular photo subjects”



My favorites are ones like these, that make me think of something that I don’t have words for.


Like seeing glimpses of a mostly forgotten dream. Memories of a time that seems like it was lifetimes ago, but also, not that far past.

Self Journal- Sour

I’ve been rather absent on blogger lately. 

I document my outfit every now and then, and of course I never miss a cat post, but I have been feeling uninspired to do much else. My new job has been bringing me down, plus the long dark winter days did nothing to help my attitude. I have tried many times to write a post about how I feel, but it ends up being a negative rant and I just end up deleting it before it publishes. That place makes me sour and it’s hard to snap out of it.

This week though, has been better. We took a little mid week trip that refreshed my mind a bit. And the days are getting longer and the flowers have started blooming.

Maybe a little bit of my inspiration is coming back. 
Steven and I leave each other little drawing at work. I put mine on my test tube racks to add some cheer to my  cruddy days!

Self Journal: Optimism

(I had a sudden burst of creativity yesterday. I had words in my head that I had to write down that second. I used my phone notepad. Then I decided to post it here… Not sure of this will become a theme or not, but I always liked the idea of a blog being more of a journal. Anyway..)

Monday, February 2nd 2015

It didn’t get dark until almost six today. I felt a sudden rush of optimism as I looked out the kitchen window, seeing light instead of the usual darkness that greets me when I get home from work. 


The smell of roasted cauliflower and lemon pepper tilapia filled the air, some seeds I had ordered last week sat on the counter top next to me, and for just a second it felt like summer. 

 I finally felt the optimism I had been waiting for all weekend that never came. I thought for sure that I would have to wait another week before there was any chance at feeling optimistic again. Mondays are never good days and the soreness in my arms and back didn’t go away over the weekend like I had hoped. But somehow they didn’t scream in protest every time I moved today, maybe I am finally on the mend. Today was a better Monday than I had anticipated.