2020

2020

Leave the past decade behind.

 

Leave all the bad things;

the job that barely paid you, where your boss was a psycho,

the job that caused constant body pain, that stayed with you for years afterward

that coworker that tried to ruin your life

that project that did ruin your life, and drove you into madness

the people lost

the one you never got to meet

college

the teacher who was actually insane

the days wasted

 

Leave all the good things too;

buying a house

adopting pets

traveling to amazing places

finally finding a good job

growing a garden

 

Leave them all, and make room for new things.

 

Find happiness where you are now;

realize that some dreams can’t happen, and stop trying to reach them,

bringing more sadness when they get farther and farther away.

 

Don’t spend years chasing a life that may not be even better than the one you have now, And now you have all those years wasted, not enjoying the life right in front of you.

Forget about trying to find a job in a different city

in new york city,

toronto,

a city that will force you to work, just so you can barely live. All dreams of running your own little business will be gone.

 

Find ways to make the most of the life you have, instead of trying to find the kind of life that doesn’t exist.

Make Life a Party.

The Weird Day My Inspiration Returned

I was headed to my first therapy appointment. Nervous and anxious, but also a little excited. Maybe soon I’ll figure myself out.

I wandered through this strange building, unchanged since the 1980s, with a weird silence that filled the walls and narrow hallways, which were dimly lit by fluorescent light.

I didn’t dare take the elevator, in a building as strange as this.

Only three floors up.

The stairs were fine.

The building smelled old. No one else was around.

The door was so nondescript I nearly missed it. Just a brown door against a brown wall.  I went inside.

Filled out paper work, then sat and waited.

The fluorescent lights continued to hum and flicker above me, but the tiny waiting room was otherwise silent. I was the only one in there. Through the walls I heard faint conversations.

This place is supposed to help people feel better, but the atmosphere does the opposite.

Except for me. I like strange places like this, that feel like an altered reality. My nervousness disappeared and I quickly wrote down my thoughts.

My inspiration was coming back.

After being missing for so long. This was a feeling I’d almost forgotten about.   Maybe its return had something to do with 200 mg of Zoloft I had just been increased to the day before.

I’ve always wanted to capture certain strange feelings, and atmospheres.  I can take the photographs, but have never been able to put it into words. Something is blocking it.

But maybe now the block is falling away.

I want to record my life, not just the good parts, but all the parts. I love sharing pictures, but I don’t just want to dump a bunch of pretty pictures on a page with generic predictable words.

I want to capture what that day was like.

I feel like I’m finally starting to wake up, after being away for a long time, and I am excited to see what happens next.